Passing on

Appan passed away on the 10th of August 2006. It was a very peaceful death, contrary to what every doctor we consulted had said. His condition took a turn for the worse on Aug 8th and C and me flew home to him, me in the morning and C at night. I spent the entire day with him. He was okay wonderfully well giving us not even a hint that next day he would be no more. C stayed the night with him. The children were also there, screaming playing and having fun. It was a great day. So great that we did not realize how near death was. After I left in the night, he kept complaining of discomfort. He said he wanted dialysis to be done and to move him into the ICU. In the morning by the time I reached the hospital with a clean set of clothes for him to change into, his senses had failed. He was sitting in the wheelchair and when they moved him on to the bed, it was as if he has bone or muscles. On the bed I tried to call him and he tried to tell me something and then he was gone.

He was gone, he just stopped being. Our wonderful appan was no more. Our guide, philosopher and friend left us.

24th August 2006

I was searching for my father in the notes I had made in my diary. Notes that I hoped would help me discover the man who created me, had been my hero , my companion , then at some point became a liability when I felt I had become more sensible independent and smarter than him only to realize now after he is no more how much I owe him.

We always knew he was never going to leave us any material wealth unless of course he won a lottery but we never reckoned how much he had contributed in turning us into what we are today. We were just three ordinary girls who he filled with lot of confidence self respect and a very strong survival kit. He loved books and turned us into voracious readers. He was a great storyteller and though he is no more, our children learn those stories from us. As we pass on what he gave us, our children turn into better human beings than their peers.

Appan was a special person and his love was unconditional. Though I feel even he realized the amount of love he had for us only in the final days. V says that during the final days his only thought was his daughters, nothing else concerned or bothered him. His leaving us has created a big empty void; though I still haven’t really let him go fully. The moment he died I remember feeling appan hugging the four of us in a big tight embrace, protecting us, as he has never been able to in life.

Every little thing in our live was turned into a major lesson in life. A small thing like buying glasses for our myopic eyes turned into a history lesson on the eye glass industry , the retail shops in Ernakulam and Kerala. I remember the name of the shop even now “Vithayathil”. We had lunch in Grand Hotel that day; there was “ Karimeen fry” as special dish that day. Grand Hotel was a favorite of his during that time. It has been so long since we have been to a good hotel with Appan. HE introduced us to fine dining, to good hotels and we were never able to return the favor to him, But then we never did return any of the things he did for us we never told him how special he was or how much we loved him. We were too busy judging him and blaming him, getting influenced and guided by what others said.