Making dreams come true

Strange how we have feeling in us that we were never aware of. In my adult life I have thought of my self as independent living my own life on my conditions. There was a time when I saw a new and expensive car; I used to think, “Wow, I want that car.” Now I find myself thinking, ”But appan won’t be able to see it, then why bother.” I realize now that everything I have done or have wanted to do was to make him proud. His opinions were the only thing that mattered. Now without him nothing seems that exciting or worth working for. And he did have great dreams for us and maybe more faith in our talent than we ourselves did. We did turnout fine but we can do better and really do him proud.

Visa to Dubai

Sometime back before everything went wrong I told Appan that I would like to bring him here to Dubai for a visit. I told him to get his passport ready and he said that he could do it only after we got some ruling in the suits files in the court. He told me there was still time for all that and a few months later he is no more. Amma told me that coming to Dubai on visit was something he really looked forward to.
Appan took around the world. We visited Spain, France and England with him. He was different from other men in that he loved spending time with us, talking to us. He did not go out a lot. His temper was frightening, often without reason, making us hate him. He used to pick fights easily, always looking for slights when there were none. Traveling with him on a local bus at home used to scary because there would be the inevitable fight started by him in the back of the bus.

Friend, Philosopher and Guide

I miss appan. Each time I see his photo or think of him, I feel an emptiness that is deeper than anything I have ever known. I still cannot understand how he could just go off like that, away from us never to come back. Just stop living just like that leaving us all so bewildered and alone. When he was around we took him for granted but now that he is not, I don’t know whom to turn for each little thing.

In Libya once appan took us to the Grand Hotel on the marine drive, it was newly constructed and he did part of the designing. It was very expensive and he bought ice creams for us. The ice creams came in oversized silver bowls and there was so much that we struggled to finish it. In the end it brought on a fit of coughing that stopped only after we had downed glasses and glasses of warm water. Every Thursday we used to go out for drives, just long drives around the city and then eat out and come back home late ready to pop into bed. One of our favorite foods was Harees, we did not know what it was called then and we named it Pizza. We sometimes had grilled chicken, which we nicknamed rotating chicken. Often his company would take them on picnics on farms and orchards and he came back laden with the choicest nectarines or whatever other fruit was on offer there. Once he came back with a new idea, the Libyans ate bread dipped in olive oil and soon he made us eat that way and he did the same for some time after that. He was always ready to try on new ideas and ever open to new thoughts. He was a great man, the greatest father. We have been lucky to be born to him.

Passing on

Appan passed away on the 10th of August 2006. It was a very peaceful death, contrary to what every doctor we consulted had said. His condition took a turn for the worse on Aug 8th and C and me flew home to him, me in the morning and C at night. I spent the entire day with him. He was okay wonderfully well giving us not even a hint that next day he would be no more. C stayed the night with him. The children were also there, screaming playing and having fun. It was a great day. So great that we did not realize how near death was. After I left in the night, he kept complaining of discomfort. He said he wanted dialysis to be done and to move him into the ICU. In the morning by the time I reached the hospital with a clean set of clothes for him to change into, his senses had failed. He was sitting in the wheelchair and when they moved him on to the bed, it was as if he has bone or muscles. On the bed I tried to call him and he tried to tell me something and then he was gone.

He was gone, he just stopped being. Our wonderful appan was no more. Our guide, philosopher and friend left us.

24th August 2006

I was searching for my father in the notes I had made in my diary. Notes that I hoped would help me discover the man who created me, had been my hero , my companion , then at some point became a liability when I felt I had become more sensible independent and smarter than him only to realize now after he is no more how much I owe him.

We always knew he was never going to leave us any material wealth unless of course he won a lottery but we never reckoned how much he had contributed in turning us into what we are today. We were just three ordinary girls who he filled with lot of confidence self respect and a very strong survival kit. He loved books and turned us into voracious readers. He was a great storyteller and though he is no more, our children learn those stories from us. As we pass on what he gave us, our children turn into better human beings than their peers.

Appan was a special person and his love was unconditional. Though I feel even he realized the amount of love he had for us only in the final days. V says that during the final days his only thought was his daughters, nothing else concerned or bothered him. His leaving us has created a big empty void; though I still haven’t really let him go fully. The moment he died I remember feeling appan hugging the four of us in a big tight embrace, protecting us, as he has never been able to in life.

Every little thing in our live was turned into a major lesson in life. A small thing like buying glasses for our myopic eyes turned into a history lesson on the eye glass industry , the retail shops in Ernakulam and Kerala. I remember the name of the shop even now “Vithayathil”. We had lunch in Grand Hotel that day; there was “ Karimeen fry” as special dish that day. Grand Hotel was a favorite of his during that time. It has been so long since we have been to a good hotel with Appan. HE introduced us to fine dining, to good hotels and we were never able to return the favor to him, But then we never did return any of the things he did for us we never told him how special he was or how much we loved him. We were too busy judging him and blaming him, getting influenced and guided by what others said.