Home Again

Appan has become very weak mainly because of the removal of the fluid from the pleural cavity every other day. He has also getting blood transfusions regularly now.

B called to say that he was becoming weaker and weaker and that his condition did not seem very good. He also said that appan was asking to see me. But that there was no need for me to hurry home but be ready. I am planning to go home next week, if tickets are available. All flights are full due to school holidays and onam festival. And there is the problem of my son’s missing classes.

I told amma about this plan to come home and she sounded frightened saying, “ No, No there is no hurry, don’t come.” She has not yet come to terms with how serious Appan’s condition is. She seems to be the only person with some hope left.

Kidneys and lungs

Appan has been complaining of constipation and I asked him if he was drinking enough water. He said he felt like urinating every five minutes and that it was very inconvenient as amma had to help him to the toilet every time he wanted to go. He did not like using the bedpan and so amma was unable to get any sleep. It is because of his kidneys not doing their job.

He has had high blood pressure as long as I can remember and has been taking medicines for it. But sometime back he reduced the dosage by half of the pressure medicine and I think that is what did in his kidneys.

Amma said he had slight swelling in his feet and that he was weak after the removal of the fluid. Doctor has asked for an X-ray to be taken and I don’t know the result yet.

The good son

They removed the remaining fluid yesterday, so he was able to talk to me yesterday. He is upset that L has not called yet. The doctors said he could go today but we feel it would be better for him to stay for a few more days, till he is able to recoup his strength.

His father and mother died of cancer. Ammamma of pelvic cancer and Appappa of prostrate cancer and they died pretty young. She died when I was 5 and he died when I was 13. Somehow I always knew it would be cancer in his and my case too.

His cousin sister’s son is here in UAE now, working in Sharjah, and he was glad to know I called and spoke to him. Appan is an only child, the apple of his parents’ eyes, but he wasn’t able to do much for his parents. They died much before he was financially sound, though he was able to get them the best treatment available at the time. Amma was great too, looking after his mother like a daughter. They had a good relationship. I just we are able to do for as much as he could do his parents.

Sedated

Talked to appan yesterday. He had been sedated and just woken up so seemed upset. He kept repeating that he was not well at all, was breathless all the time. “Does J know I have been hospitalized”, He asked. Maybe he wants me to be near him now. I tried telling J that I wanted to be near appan now. It would also be a relief to amma to have someone near her, but J is worried about expenses of the up and down trip during peak season. He wants me to give him a guarantee that another trip will no required, he wants me to be sure that appan will die during this trip. Well, sometimes we invite punishments for ourselves by our words and actions and for J it was one of those times. Words that will haunt him forever and will follow him to his deathbed.

It is surprising that appan should have an unhappy end of this kind, when all his life has been very understanding of everyone’s needs. He never stopped amma in any thing she wanted. She was always there with parents in their times of need. He never objected to her helping her sister with money when her husband drank away the salary. But with his three daughters he has come up against a stonewall. Sis’s husband and mine refuse to let us visit our parents and youngest one herself is not interested. She is saving money by not calling her father at least once in a while.

They haven’t removed the remaining fluid yet, but may do it today. Right now he is being given cortisone injections to help him breath. Seems to be helping.

The Story Teller

Everything started with the persistent cough. Each time I called about the progress of the land deal he would tell me that he was too sick and cough into the phone. I used to get irritated assuming that he was refusing to get treatment to get out of the responsibility of clearing the mess he had created in the bank loan and land deal. Really it was a big mess. And he was cool about it, willing to let it fester and do nothing till the land got attached. We did not care about the land, as it was something he had made and he could do what he wanted with it but creating more liabilities without any source of income to get out of it was what really bothered us.

Anyway that was how it was and each time he spoke of illness I dismissed it. Even when sis wrote to me saying he was really sick I told her he was acting. When I returned home he had come to pick me up at the airport and he looked weak but I was angry and did not care. But at home I realized that maybe he needed to see a doctor. The cough was too persistent loaded with phlegm and looked like pneumonia. I was really scared he might become too ill by the time of wedding leading to more complications. An X-ray and MRI scan later, things were totally different. We were no more looking at a lazy man pretending to be sick, but a man with just a couple more months to live. The cancer had spread and was in the secondary stage. Both lungs were affected as well as his spine and lot of other parts.

Looking at him now brought back memories of what a great father he had been. At a time when other fathers tended to be aloof and distant he had been there for us all the time. Told us stories of kings and queens, and turned us into voracious readers. I remember him telling us “The adventures of Tom Sawyer”. I read the book much later but he had told the story so well without leaving out anything that even now when I think Tom Sawyer it is my father’s voice telling the story that I remember.