Sedated

Talked to appan yesterday. He had been sedated and just woken up so seemed upset. He kept repeating that he was not well at all, was breathless all the time. “Does J know I have been hospitalized”, He asked. Maybe he wants me to be near him now. I tried telling J that I wanted to be near appan now. It would also be a relief to amma to have someone near her, but J is worried about expenses of the up and down trip during peak season. He wants me to give him a guarantee that another trip will no required, he wants me to be sure that appan will die during this trip. Well, sometimes we invite punishments for ourselves by our words and actions and for J it was one of those times. Words that will haunt him forever and will follow him to his deathbed.

It is surprising that appan should have an unhappy end of this kind, when all his life has been very understanding of everyone’s needs. He never stopped amma in any thing she wanted. She was always there with parents in their times of need. He never objected to her helping her sister with money when her husband drank away the salary. But with his three daughters he has come up against a stonewall. Sis’s husband and mine refuse to let us visit our parents and youngest one herself is not interested. She is saving money by not calling her father at least once in a while.

They haven’t removed the remaining fluid yet, but may do it today. Right now he is being given cortisone injections to help him breath. Seems to be helping.